More Reviewing

I did more than quilting during 2012, and it occurs to me that I ought to look back at the year for that as well. But first, a picture of how I look today. It isn't easy to take a photo of yourself. There is no way to see how it will look while you are taking it.

Joe died on August 1st. I'd been grieving for a couple of years by then. It started when I placed him in the nursing home in July 2010 because I could no longer keep him, or me, safe at home. Everything changes when you realize that your husband is not coming home again. All dementias are terminal, but that is not something I spent a lot of time thinking about when I was the active caregiver. With him in a nursing home my role changed. I was his advocate. I needed to make sure that he was safe and taken care of. But I wasn't the one doing the care anymore. But more than anything, I knew that the end was coming. No way to hide from that.

And when I was home the house was empty. After 3 or 4 weeks when I didn't have a second to myself, suddenly there was all this empty time to deal with.

About a year later I realized that for all intents and purposes I was a widow. I didn't have a partner to share my day with. I didn't have someone who needed a lot of care either. There was just me and I needed to spend some time figuring out who I was and what I wanted out of the next stage of life.

There was a time when you really didn't have a next stage of life at 69, but in this world I could easily live another 30 years. There is no reason to waste that kind of time.

Up until Joe's illness got very ugly I was a digital scrapbooker, but I just could not do that anymore. I'd worked a lot of the old pictures when current life got sad, and I didn't want to do any more of it because it all made me sad.

I was in art school in both high school and college, but I didn't like what my work looked like next to others who had a lot of talent. I put down the paint and brushes and didn't pick them up again over the next 50 or so years.

Sewing clothes is just plain a waste of time these days. And when I did it I did it for all the wrong reasons. You can't save money sewing clothes in our world. The things I remember making were all special things where I enjoyed the process of sewing the garment.

I'd done some quilting, mostly by hand. I knit and crocheted stuff, but back when I could have used a community to share it with that community did not exist locally, and there was no online back then. I did a lot of very complicated cross stitch, but you would never have known any of it looking at my house.

One of the first things I did was locate some of my "stuff" and consider putting it out. I knew that I'd need to change the way the house looked so it was MY house instead of OUR house.

I knew I needed an artistic outlet. I've always had some kind of artistic thing going on.

What happened during the last 18 months was that I began to move forward in a lot of areas of my life. I joined a small bible study group, which meant that I began to have a social life. I even hosted a few of the meetings at my house. Baby Steps. I met with friends for lunch, and occasionally for dinner. Dinner is harder because I don't drive at night.I joined a church. I bought the first sewing machine and then upgraded to one that better fit my needs. I began to make things that I liked the look of.

I began to live.

Journaling

I do a lot of Journaling. There was a point where I would journal once in a while and print it out and put it into a notebook. But I wasn't doing much. There were 3 days of journaling in March 1994 that never got put into a notebook. On the first of the days I only wrote a little. I was working for the most abusive boss I ever met, and a second boss who was almost as bad. And the situation was getting worse than it had been during the previous 3 years because of a co-worker who wanted my job. I raised my voice to more than a whisper that day for one sentence, but got control over my voice immediately.

The second of those three days was the hot spot. I got called into HR to be written up. Twice on the same day for two different things. One of them the one sentence of louder than normal speech. Neither of them reasonable for a HR visit. And the paperwork was done wrong on both sets of paperwork. One had been signed off by a manager who no longer worked for the company. The other had not been signed off on by anyone. And company policy had not been followed in either case.

This kind of thing was weird. I was a legal secretary at that company. And I knew lawyers, including one who had written, and signed a memo to me warning me that something ugly was coming up. And he was the person who signed off on the first set of papers. There was no question that I had cause to sue them if I wanted to.

On the third day I went back to HR on my own, and basically asked for help. And what was even weirder, I got the help I needed to get out of that abusive situation, and to get into Unemployment benefits. I needed the benefits because we were in a recession in the state I was living in at that time. I think, looking back, that the head of the HR department had pretty much had enough. Since I wanted out, he got me out. It took me three months to locate the best job I had ever had in a long working life.

I've always thought that the co-worker who sparked the event that sent me down to HR got what she wanted. She got my job. Hope she enjoyed it, but somehow I doubt it because I kept seeing ads for what had to have been my job multiple times over the next couple of years. Neither of the lawyers I worked for had ever been able to keep a secretary for more than a few months before I came along.

It was interesting to see those 8 sheets of paper again after all of these years. I was so angry, and then so at peace all in less than 2 weeks. I am so glad that the kind of thing I was dealing with then, is long gone now.

Heros

I am working through a couple of self help books. I've talked about THE ARTIST'S WAY before, but I've picked up Barbara Sher's LIVE THE LIFE YOU LOVE. One of the things I'm being asked to do in that book is make a list of imaginary allies. To a large extent, especially with historical figures or people who you know about but don't actually know, they are the people you look up to. Your heroes. I've discovered I don't actually have any. So I'm spending time trying to figure out who I really do look up to. Who I'd want on my side if I needed help, or encouragement.

She says you should include favorite pets, so I've added Willie. He was my dog, 20+ years ago. The only one I ever had. When I was sick or needed comfort he would know and come to be with me. He was there when I was trying to fight a regular nightmare that had me waking up screaming. He tried to protect me from all kinds of real or imaginary problems.

I've also added Leonardo da Vinci to my list. He was a great artist and a polymath. Someone I could really look up to. He had an interesting life as well, and there was nothing I know about that turns me off in that life.

And Hatshepsut, a "king" of Egypt. A woman who made her own way at a time when women could not do that. Who became a king because the idea of a reigning queen was something no one could even imagine in her culture. And not a bad king either. She built up the country internally, and began diplomatic journeys internationally. She successfully brought up the step-son who was too young to be king at the time when she took over as his regent and then as the senior co-reigning king, so when he did take over he was placed to successfully become the warrior king that his country needed at that point. He was not beaten down so he would not be able to take her place, and that is pretty impressive all on its own. He was able to build on what she had done in Egypt internally, and he invented empire.

I'm not sure who else I will add to the list, but I am working on it.