I had a dream early this morning. I was at the beach, with Joe. My daughter was there too. And we were with some people. Just generic people, not people with names. I'd gone for a walk, and when I returned Joe was gone. He had taken off and I could not find him.
I've had dreams like this before during the time he has been in a nursing home. After all, he isn't home. He isn't here. The one time he did take off just before I placed him in a nursing home, he was found and stopped by neighbors and returned with the help of the police.
This time the dream was different. I didn't wake up crying and screaming his name. This time I could not get anyone to pay attention to the fact that he was gone. I always try to figure out what my subconscious is trying to tell me when I dream. This time it is easy. Joe has begun to decline. Hospice is not going to discharge him because he isn't declining fast enough for their rules. This time doe is on the road to dying. This time I really am going to lose him, and no one will be able to find him and bring him back.